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This is a rush transcript. “The Greg Gutfeld Show,”February 27, 2021 This copy might not be in its final form. It may be updated.


 GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Like kale, coconut water and crossover fanny packs, it is amazing how a thing once deemed evil can suddenly become acceptable.  


I guess it’s time for —  


ANNOUNCER: And now, THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW presents only when you’re a Democrat.  


GUTFELD – I wonder if you meant it is not children in cages.  




PETER DOOCY FOX NEWS CHAIN WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT : You said it isn’t children in cages. We’ve seen some photos now of containers. Is there a better way to describe it? Is it children in containers rather than children in cages, or both? What is the White House’s description of this facility?  


JEN PSAKI, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: Well, let me — let me give a broader description of what’s happening here.  


Unaccompanied minors are children who have come to the country without their parents.  




GUTFELD: What? So now, it’s no longer kids in cages separated from their parents. It’s teens in facilities traveling alone, like backpacking through Europe. Yes.  


They now admit that it wasn’t about taking children from their parents, but protecting them from strangers. Now they have discovered nuance. Oh my goodness, border stuff and immigration are both hard. We could really use the wall.  


Well, it was close. I was waiting for Jen to say, but Peter, we made sure it’s women putting kids in cages, sorry, facilities. Did you notice that?  




PSAKI – What is President Biden doing to help my small business? First, he nominated a female to lead the Small Business Administration.  




GUTFELD: Yes. Because gender matters more than competence. It’s interesting to see if it’s received well in her spare time.  




UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Have you ever been in contact with anyone suspected of having coronavirus within the last 14 days?  


KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR, IMPERSONATING JEN PSAKI:  Well, as you know, Joe Biden appointed me and I am a woman. He, you know, appoints women.  


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: It’s a yes or no question.  


TIMPF: It doesn’t always have to be a yes or no answer, John.  




TIMPF – Just because I am a female does not mean that I need you to tell me your name.  


So while we appreciate your hard work, the White House is moving in a different direction with its kitchen staff.  




TIMPF : It is very important to President Biden that all of his cooks are women. He wants all his sandwiches to be made from women. Your wife could be considered.  


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: She’s a lawyer.  


TIMPF: That’s okay. If she is a woman, she belongs in the kitchen.  


UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Isn’t that sexist?  


WOW. Have you ever read the story about the woman who murdered her husband in her sleep? It’s crazy.  


TIMPF: Well, see, to me what is crazy is that it’s 2021, but you don’t seem to understand that a woman can do anything a man can do.  


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: It’s here that his skull was shattered.  


TIMPF : Do you know what else was destroyed? The glass ceiling, right? Murder is not just for men anymore and that’s something that President Biden takes very seriously.  




GUTFELD – Everything bad under Trump turned into everything great under Biden because of the new Democratic management. This is because there are new names and new perspectives.  


Unemployment isn’t so bad, it is family time. Rising crime, it’s part of the equitable redistribution. Children in cages, really, it’s just a campout for needy kids. Take a look at Trump’s vaccinations. He was telling people not to get them.  




DANA BASH, CNN CHIEF POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT: Let’s just say there’s a vaccine that is approved and even distributed before the election, would you get it?  


KAMALA HARIRIS (D), THEN VICE PRINCIPAL NOMINEE: I don’t trust Donald Trump. It would have to be credible information that talks about the efficacy, reliability and validity of what he is talking. I won’t believe him.  




GUTFELD: Yet, she has changed her tune, much like a robot jukebox.  




KAMALA HARRIS, D, VICE PRESIDENT UNITED STATES – I promise you and I tell you that this vaccine is safe and will save your life, your family, and your community. We have the power to do that.  


Make sure you get your vaccine when it is your turn It can save your life.  


AL SHARPTON MSNBC Host: I was skeptical about vaccines, but you made me reconsider.  




GUTFELD – Why was it skeptical in first place? Her. It’s amazing what happens when you have to be the adult in the room. But when you’re with Sharpton who is left? The Dems always have the advantage, with the media being available in-house and outhouse PR teams. I wonder how Joe’s handling this.  






TOM SHILLUE, FOX NATION HOST, IMPERSONATING JOE BIDEN: It’s all about words, man. You can change the policy by changing the word. I say containers, you say cages. You say containers, I say cantinas. That’s right.  


Barack Obama was my Vice Principal and I learned words from him. We’re going to take these kids. We’re going to move them from C.B.P. We’re going to move them from C.B.P. Then we’re going to sit back and watch CNN show us a little TLC. OPP, will you sit down? Uncle Joe, you’re right.  


Text Joe to “a rel=””nofollow” rel=”nofollow” href=”https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=http-3A__naughtybynature.gov&d=DwICAg&c=cnx1hdOQtepEQkpermZGwQ&r=tgDLkJy54PfJyWJwul3dKe54qGxqO7b7d5vjo7RcZds&m=0eW_ZIw9cQj2QFDuHELrQobLxShuH2nSjnC-j8mTS9w&s=KGtDlizPIztL16xZMIxeshpohCYfhtkDQ4SoBt60gvA&e”>https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=http-3A__naughtybynature.gov&d=DwICAg&c=cnx1hdOQtepEQkpermZGwQ&r=tgDLkJy54PfJyWJwul3dKe54qGxqO7b7d5vjo7RcZds&m=0eW_ZIw9cQj2QFDuHELrQobLxShuH2nSjnC-j8mTS9w&s=KGtDlizPIztL16xZMIxeshpohCYfhtkDQ4SoBt60gvA&e= .  




GUTFELD: Of course, he is our President, but you wouldn’t know it if you watch those other late night shows.  




ANNOUNCER: He’s still their President.  


JIMMY KIMMEL TALKSHOW HOST: Do you remember back in 2019, when Donald Trump met Kim Jong-un? They had a Summit there. According to a former official in national security, Trump offered Kim a ride on Air Force One home after the summit.  


STEPHEN COLBERT, TALK SHOW HOST: But old don’t 45 is not out of the woods yet because today, the Supreme Court denied his final bid to block the release of his tax returns.  


SETH MEYERS TALK SHOW HOST : I am trying to spread the disease as much as possible, President outbreak monkeys.  




GUTFELD: They’re like the slumps who never got over not going to the prom, so they relive it every day. Or they could just be lazy hack writers who refuse see anything funny in the new administration.  


They need Trump. Every story must be about Trump. They could really use a network that caters for their addictions.  




ANNOUNCER: You’re watching ATN: All Trump News because everything else is boring by comparison.  


UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I’m Anderson Lemon with All Trump headlines for this minute. After a serious accident in California, Tiger Woods is fortunate to be alive. Woods may have lost control of his vehicle, but experts believe climate change could have played an important role.  


Donald Trump continues to deny a grave existential threat because he hates birds, clean water, and water.  


Bird watchers have seen a rare bird that is half male and half female. We are certain that if Donald Trump had his way, this bird would not be allowed to join the military or marry another half-male/half-female cardinal. He is a heartless, transphobic monster.  


Bruce Springsteen has been fined $450.00 for drinking tequila in a national park, but after having Donald Trump as President for four years, shouldn’t all of us be allowed to drink tequila in a national park? He is truly evil.  


My life is a disaster. I’ve been drinking tequila since noon. And it’s all on that horrible jerk. From Washington, I’m Anderson Lemon, All Trump News.  




GUTFELD – But maybe the media needs to be given a wake up call. Remember that sticker that says “Objects in the side-view mirror are closer than they appear.”Convexity gives objects a wider field of view, making them appear smaller.  


Trump is the complete opposite. You can see something else in that rearview mirror. It’s the Dems that are getting smaller, not him because they really can’t do a better job than Trump. He kind of aced the test and they’re trying not to flunk it.  


Here’s where Trump emerges ahead in that mirror. First, North Korea in four years what Obama deemed the most pressing threat to the incoming administration now isn’t even on Biden’s to-do list. Why?  


Is Trump the one who solved the most pressing problem prior to the pandemic? The vaccines. The press is calling their effectiveness miraculous. Who did that push this forward? Did Trump solve the most pressing problem before Biden emerged from the basement?  


The peace agreements in the Middle East. This would have been a great moment for CNN Washington Bureau.  


The economy, if Trump hadn’t ushered in such a historic economic machine, would we have enjoyed the pandemic with unemployment dropping now to around six percent with a GDP roaring back? Could it have been the tax breaks? And deregulation helped?  


China. Who was the first to see them arrive? While D.C. cronies, corporations and corporations cozied up with these communists. One orange visionary yelled, “What about our workers?” What about the country?  


And who exposed fake information for what it was, and will never be again?  


So it’s amazing looking back and it is funny looking forward. One thing is for certain, the media isn’t looking anywhere, except at their own navels. Their next headline “Belly button lint,”Trump left another terrible legacy.  


ANNOUNCER: Period.  


GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. She bought pillowcases to protect her marshmallows. Her new book. “Everything Will Be Okay”It will be available March 9th. It’s a thriller. My cohost on “The Five”Co-anchor of “America’s Newsroom,” Dana Perino.  


He’s afraid of his own shadow, which is why he’s always so clean shaven, comedian Joe Machi.  


Because she is blonde and skinny, they call her pool cue. She can often be seen leaning against the wall at most dive bars. Host “Sincerely Kat”FOX Nation, Katherine Timpf.  


Flatbed trucks are his bedroom slippers. My huge sidekick and a host of “Nuff Said”FOX Nation, Tyrus  


All right, Dana, what’s so special about being a woman anyway?  


DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Apparently, we haven’t gotten the memo.  


GUTFELD: Yes, yes.  


PERINO: So when she — when Jen Psaki continually says, well, he appointed a woman. The thing about Small Business Administration is that she was specifically asked this question in the Instagram Live. Both of President Trump’s SBA nominees were women.  


GUTFELD: Right.  


PERINO – Linda McMahon & Irma Ahirre  


GUTFELD: That’s true.  


PERINO: And they’re really good — and Linda McMahon, that was a coup in order to get her to come into the administration. She really focused on the economic numbers, which you pointed out, and they followed up.  


And then it also reminded — I was reminded of, remember, Mitt Romney’s binder full of women?  




PERINO: And he talked about how we wanted to hire more women at Bain Capital, so I had binders full of women and people made — the Democrats made it. He will never know the end.  


His whole point was to hire women.  


TIMPF: But that’s exactly what this — that was so crazy, right? Because she was — she could have said in response. Well, now we have Isabel Guzman here, and she’s going to be great because of this qualification and because of that qualification. This time can be used to support the qualifications of a woman.  


Instead, she said, Well, we hired an employee. So she is basically telling the country that it was just — well, they were just checking a box.  




TIMPF: That’s actually incredibly offensive to women, and she thinks it’s a progressive thing, when really it’s the opposite.  


GUTFELD: And also, it’s just filthy. It’s filthy. Or maybe I heard it in a filthy way, Joe, I don’t really know. What do you take — what’s your take with — I’m sorry, Tyrus. I’m just telling you, I’m sorry.  


GEORGE “TYRUS” MURDOCH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: You’re rattled, because your little mind is telling you to say so many things. Because I have the exact same little brain as you right now. This is the one time I don’t mind being skipped.  


GUTFELD: I’m sorry, I just had this — like I’m sitting there and I can’t let like a joke go by, but then it’s like I have to Joe, save me. Pick a topic late-night hosts, Joe Biden, Ronald Reagan.  


JOE MACHI, COMEDIAN: I’ll stay on the current topic. It makes perfect sense that she said that we hired a woman Treasury Secretary to answer the GameStop trading fiasco. Janet Yellen only took $800,000.00 for speeches in front her regulators.  


GUTFELD: Right.  


MACHI: Because obviously, you’re one of the best comedians in the world, you clear maybe half a million if you sell it in an arena. I’m sure that speech wasn’t better than most comedians in the world and I won’t disagree that that was a bribe, unless you pay me $800,000.00.  


GUTFELD – It is amazing. Tyrus, that is a lot.  


PERINO: That’s a good point.  


GUTFELD – A lot of money. What do you think of anything?  


MURDOCH: Well, so what’s our next topic?  


PERINO: I would like to hear a joke.  


MURDOCH – You know what? I am never afraid. Isn’t that our moniker here, never afraid of anything. I am afraid.  




MURDOCH: Here’s the thing, I just — when do we draw the line with the “I hired a woman”? Could you imagine his next interview on whatever thing you’re doing in there.  


Gutfeld, please explain yourself. How can you explain the success of THE GUTFELD SHOWCASE? I hired a black. He isn’t super black, but he’s that middle black. There was obviously some miscegenation in this family. But we’re fine with that. He’s still technically according to Webster’s dictionary, he’s black. So I’ll wait for my Emmy.  


GUTFELD and Webster.  


MURDOCH, Yes, and Webster.  


GUTFELD: Not Webster.  


MURDOCH : Yes, not much Webster.  




MURDOCH – The big Webster. It was, however, by Webster.  




MURDOCH: So literally every time we do the show, and you introduce me, you don’t have to do those crazy, insulting things about my shoe size and how tall I am, you can be like, and he is black.  




MURDOCH: And you just move on from that because that’s — it doesn’t matter —  


TIMPF: That’s exactly what she did.  


MURDOCH: That’s exactly what she did. You’re a woman.  


GUTFELD: It’s time to do a show in which all introductions are based solely on ethnicity.  


TIMPF – And Kat Timpf, a girl.  


GUTFELD is the girl.  


PERINO: I’m kind of offended by that — she answered that gender mattered at all.  


GUTFELD: Yes, yes.  


MURDOCH: Exactly.  


PERINO: Aren’t we supposed to be offended by that?  


GUTFELD – Everyone is drinking the same brainwash. It’s a shame. It’s a shame.  


All right. We have so many good things. I can’t wait. I have much more to come. Bar fights that are offensive, but first, offensive Muppets. You’re going to love this.  




ANNOUNCER: Canceling Tornado.  


GUTFELD – Who doesn’t get appalled by a furry little doll?! Yes, the cancel tornado is always looking for its next victim and now, it’s the Muppets. Disney+ now streams the classic show with an offensive content warning prior to certain episodes.  


The disclaimer explains that the show quote is: “Includes negative depictions and/or mistreatment of people or cultures.”These stereotypes were wrong in the past and still are. They were wrong then.  


It’s been added to 18 episodes. It’s a good marketing strategy, Disney.  


Johnny Cash hosted the show and sang in front of a Confederate Flag. Maybe that’s overkill, but it got me thinking, were the Muppets more offensive than we remember? Let’s look at an old clip.  




KERMIT THE FROG: You know Miss Piggy, you sure could stand to lose a few pounds, don’t you think?  


MISS PIGGY : Excuse me. What did you say?  


KERMIT THE FROG: Miss Piggy, I invited your much hotter sister over.  


MISS PIGGY’S SISTER: Let’s do it, frog.  




GUTFELD : Kermit, that was very harsh. Weight shame. Do we have another?  




OSCAR THE GROUCH: I don’t know where you want me to go. I lost my job. Please, just let me be.  


COUNT DRACULA His family is embarrassed for him. He is a drain on society. Ha-ha-ha.  




GUTFELD : I didn’t know the Count was like this. Do we have another?  




BERT: Good morning, neighbor. It’s good to see you. How’s it going today?  


UNIDENTIFIED MUPPET : Are you still living in a relationship with another man?  


BERT: Oh, yes, well, I believe that’s Bert right over there.  


UNIDENTIFIED MUPPET: That’s disgusting. Oh, I bet that you guys just love musical theater. That’s gross.  


BERT: Oh —  


UNIDENTIFIED MUPPET – Where is he? I want to speak with this Bert fella.  




GUTFELD: That’s pretty offensive. I guess I can agree with you. Joe, I don’t know. Was it ever your intention to become a Muppet?  


MACHI: There’s a lot of offensive Fozzie Bear stereotypes that the Muppets have propagated about stand-up comedians. We’re not all squeaky high pitched voice acts going around with no self-confidence and waka-waka because that’s when the punch line is.  


GUTFELD: You think — Tyrus, do you think that this was just a brilliant ploy to get people to stream?  


MURDOCH (No, I don’t think so). We were close to making it to five nights per week, but then we got too cocky.  


This is fantastic, listen. This is great for me, because the spin off on Saturday nights has been telling you about Tyrus and two angry older white men.  






GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true.  






MURDOCH: And it will come on what — two in the morning, so no one really see. But I find this offensive that you’re taking away. It’s classic comedy. It seems that almost everything that happened in the 70s or 80s was bad.  


Like this isn’t like we’re talking about, we were drowning witches and stoning people to death and excommunicating them. It was a hit show that featured jokes and people laughing.  


It was such an instant hit that people still want the chance to see it today, even though they are told it was so terrible. I love the Muppets, and I don’t care if they told the jokes in front of a Confederate flag, a burning church. It was very funny.  


And I would literally, I will put — the two judges can sit right here, give me the Conservative Blue Eagle, and we’ll make money. Let’s do it.  


GUTFELD – There you are. So Dana, this proves that I was wrong about like the graduates in Gender Race Studies that they actually did find jobs, like these — I think now, they are now in the workforce, in H.R. or corporations scaring the crap out of this — out of the executives, who are now just kowtowing to anything.  


PERINO: This is what Disney did. Thankfully, they didn’t take it all off the air. I do think there’s a little bit of marketing thing that goes on with this. But at least, they didn’t take it off the air because I love the Muppets. It was fantastic.  


Disney did however give special thanks for the Xinjiang Province, China, where millions are held in concentration camps. So the graduates that you’re talking about, they don’t care about that.  


GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.  


PERINO: They are concerned about the Muppets of the 70s.  


TIMPF: It’s conformity.  




MACHI: There’s the cultural norm though that we have to address.  


PERINO : Thank you for the reminder. We are grateful.  


GUTFELD is a cultural norm.  


MURDOCH: I’ve got to remember that next time I knock off a liquor store and police show up, it is cultural. Let them go.  




PERINO: Canceled.  


TIMPF – I find disclaimers to be condescending in general. Like, I don’t know. I’ve been watching a lot of “Cheaters” reruns lately.  


GUTFELD : Of course you do.  


TIMPF : I know. Parents are warned that this program might not be suitable for their children.  


It’s like, you think? You know, I don’t think there’s any parent sitting there on the couch, like, well, I really thought this show called “Cheaters”This is basically footage that shows people hooking up and having an affair with their partners. I found it a great choice to watch together with my four-year old.  


But now that I saw the disclaimer, I’m going to think about it again. I agree that, you know, it’s better than taking it off. It all started in 1976. Like, obviously, there’s going to be things in there that are offensive by 2021 standards.  


GUTFELD: You know what’s funny, it’s like, what is really damaging people’s brains on TV? You watch 20 hours of “Forensic Files.”  


PERINO: Yes.  


GUTFELD: You will be convinced that the entire United States is a collection of evil psychotic people. You will never want to leave the house. It turns me into an agoraphobic which is good for —  


TIMPF: Where they find DNA.  


GUTFELD: Oh, my God. It’s so —  


MURDOCH, I was just curious. Do they blur out animal? Because he is literally —  


GUTFELD: Naked.  


MURDOCH: People who are naked and chase after them  


TIMPF: They blur. On “Cheaters”They do.  


MURDOCH: And to counter Kat’s point, there’s a lot of parents that think that that show is exactly what their kid should be watching with them. So yes.  




TIMPF: I watch them when I’m at home.  


GUTFELD: There’s daddy.  




GUTFELD: Daddy’s on “People’s Court” tonight. I’ll be on “Cheaters” tomorrow.  


MURDOCH: Daddy, that’s THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW? Kinda.  


GUTFELD – My sister was on one those judge shows. Do you remember that?  


PERINO: “People’s Court”?  


GUTFELD: What?  


MURDOCH: Did she win the contest?  


PERINO: “People’s Court”?  


GUTFELD: Yes. She was on —  


PERINO: What’s the deal with Judge Wapner?  


GUTFELD: It was a ticket to be like a boy band. Now, let’s move on to investigative reporting that will take you to the most terrifying bar fight ever.  




ASHLEY STROMIER, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CORRESPONDENT: Live From “America’s News Headquarters,” I’m Ashley Strohmier.  


Andrew Cuomo is still in the middle of controversy. According to “The New York Times”A second former aide to the Governor of New York is accusing him sexual harassment. Charlotte Bennett claims that the 63-year old made unwelcome advances on her when she was 25, while she was his executive assistant. Miss Bennett does not claim that there was any physical contact.  


Governor Cuomo, for his part, claims he never made any advances to Miss Bennett.  


And smoke them if you’ve got them, Virginia becoming the latest state to legalize marijuana for adults. The state joins 15 others, and the District of Columbia, to allow recreational marijuana. The new law won’t take effect in Virginia until 2024 so residents of Virginia will have some time to wait.  


I’m Ashley Strohmier, now back to THE GREG GUTFELD SHOW. Log on to see all the headlines http://foxnews.com. You’re watching the most powerful name in news, FOX News Channel.  


GUTFELD: Hello again. It’s time for —  


ANNOUNCER. Hero or Jerk  


GUTFELD: Check out this action in a men’s bathroom. Dana, if I had a dollar to spend on every time I said that.  


This viral video of a brawl involves the University of Oklahoma football player who didn’t know what he was in for. Take a look.  




GUTFELD: Just another day at Kilmeade’s barbecue.  


Spencer Jones, the player on the left, appears to be continuing a tiff that was ongoing before the recording began. He and his friend were quickly beaten by two brothers who happen to be mixed martial art fighters and trained wrestlers. The little guy with the cauliflower ears should have warned you.  


Jones was taken to the hospital after the incident, where he spent hours undergoing surgery to repair his damaged eye socket. According to the brothers “They gave us no options, unfortunately. We showed restraint”In fact.  


We have not been able to determine the circumstances of the video’s beginning, so we aren’t able to make any arrests. These two guys are just the thing.  




GUTFELD – Talk about a golf danger. We’ll be right back with the weather and Chip Musburger with the sports.  


Okay, Tyrus. It is clear that being a fighter automatically makes you ineligible for using that skill because it becomes a weapon. Then what’s the use of it if somebody who gets bullied learning to fight if you can’t fight?  


MURDOCH : Okay, that would make a great question if that were the circumstances.  


GUTFELD: Oh, really?  


MURDOCH – This is from someone who has been in a fight before. He knew that — he beat up the weakest guy in the room.  


GUTFELD: Oh, really?  


MURDOCH: He was beat — first of all the camera was in magnificent position. Let’s not forget that. Second, if you look before — right before the fight, he is smiling. He looks at him to show his appreciation.  


GUTFELD: Right.  


MURDOCH: It was not his blood. It might have been from their last group.  




MURDOCH: The guy — the poor — the poor bastard is getting just pummeled there.  




MURDOCH: Literally his hands were at his side, and he was trying to calm down the situation.  


TIMPF: Oh, yes, right.  


MURDOCH: They were being — hold on.  


TIMPF: No, no, no.  


MURDOCH : They were being egged. You don’t beat — I’m telling you, I can knock a guy on one shot, okay, and pick them up. I put a million men to sleep by bouncing clubs, and I got stripes.  


That fight did not require a choke, nor did it require a punch. He had him when the slapped him.  


GUTFELD: Right.  


MURDOCH – The kid went into panic mode immediately. He punched him and he fell to his knees. It’s over.  


GUTFELD: Right.  


MURDOCH: It’s over. At that point, you have delivered your message. He had to prove it all while his supporters cheered him on, and someone filmed it.  


GUTFELD – Someone filmed it.  


MURDOCH – This was literally a setup. I was in college. I know the deal. You spend your time in the bathroom. Girls, you have mean girls that talk about people’s clothes. They took him in and set him up.  


They didn’t like him. He got into an argument with the other guy. He was encouraged by another man to continue the fight. He was not the only one to be pummeled. The other man was held.  


GUTFELD: Yes, Kat.  


MURDOCH: Take a look at his smirk face.  


TIMPF: Aren’t you his lawyer? That’s what his lawyer said.  


MURDOCH – I am not his attorney.  


TIMPF: He was trying deescalate the situation.  


MURDOCH: I’ve been in enough fights. He was set up.  


TIMPF – Deescalate the situation and say to a guy who has blood on his hands faceGet the [bleep]Out of here. And like is that the guy that likes his girlfriend is mad at he, he tries deescalation by asking her if her period is? Like, no. Like, obviously, that he went too far.  


MURDOCH: So you’re saying — so you’re saying, Kat, if someone cusses at you, you have the right to pummel —  


TIMPF – And, they were also not wearing a maskThey were all rolling around in the toilet, which was a great spreader event.  


MURDOCH : Yes, make it a joke.  


GUTFELD: By the way, if you watch the whole video, there’s a great scene where there’s a guy at a urinal who then walks over the people fighting without spilling his drink. It reminded me so much about you, Dana.  


PERINO: He first took a drink to the bathroom. It is absolutely disgusting.  


MURDOCH (Non), because if you leave it outside you get a roofie.  


GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true. That’s true.  


PERINO: Okay, well, just like, why don’t you finish your drink before you go into the bathroom?  


TIMPF: Chog it.  


MURDOCH – Chug it. So according to —  


PERINO – Just a flashback at the A-block.  


MURDOCH. To Dana you chug your beverages and Kat you pummel anyone who cusses at you. Let me check if I’m getting this right.  


TIMPF: I just don’t like the fact that he is saying he was trying to deescalate a situation.  


MURDOCH: He wasn’t trying to fight anyone.  


TIMPF: That’s not what that word means.  


GUTFELD: Dana?  


PERINO – Just a call back at A-block  


GUTFELD:  This is why you hire women.  


TIMPF: Exactly.  


MURDOCH He was a long snapper and a kicker receiver. He was like if there was a guy on the football team you want to fight — that was him.  


PERINO: Yes, you can’t beat up that guy.  


GUTFELD: Isn’t this the greatest segment ever?  


MURDOCH: I felt bad for him. So don’t have a smirk on your face if you’re trying to look like you — you look at your brother then you wipe it off. Smile. You can slap him to get him up, and then you knock him out.  


GUTFELD: He kind of put — I have to say, that is a pretty —  


MURDOCH, This is not the first rodeo.  


GUTFELD – Yes, you know, if women want to fight, then just go World Star Hip Hop. So, yes.  


So Joe, you’re pretty much the — how many fights have you been in this week? Three? Four?  


MACHI: I don’t know why I’m the last person that you went to on this topic, but I think it would be cool if you get plastic surgery to get cauliflower ear that way people would believe me when I tell them in bathrooms that I’m a trained MMA fighter.  


MURDOCH – You can get cauliflower ears in just 14 minutes from where I’m from.  


MACHI: Forget I mentioned it, but, I do think the real victims are the guys just trying to use the bathroom for what the bathroom is for and then some other guy pulls out a camera and you’re just there in the bathroom.  


PERINO: Enjoy your beer with it.  


MACHI: Yes. That’s right.  


TIMPF – The whole country is looking at you when you pee.  


MACHI: I don’t know who started it and who was right or wrong, if anybody, but it seemed like it didn’t have to happen.  




MACHI: It seemed as if both could have walked off.  


GUTFELD – Yes, you know what? Young men are dumb and that’s a sexist comment, but I was a young man once and boy, I was dumb.  


Tyrus convinced me that it might have been a planned event. But anyway, we’ve got to move on because that was the best segment of the week on FOX. Okay.  


Mr. Mr. Potato Head gets neutered. That’s next.  




ANNOUNCER – Everything is Racist.  


GUTFELD – Has Coke gone woken? Coca-Cola’s diversity training program encourages employees not to be as white as possible.  


According to leaked slides — my favorite kind — tips for reducing whiteness include be less arrogant, be less certain, be less defensive, and stop going apple picking with Brian Kilmeade. It’s true, I saw it myself.  


The online course is called “Confronting Racism”LinkedIn hosted the site, but it has since been removed. Coca-Cola also denies that mandatory whiteness training is required. Yes, I’ve been there.  


Meanwhile, there’s another brand name slurping from the woke trough. Mr. Potato Head is now dropping the Mister like a hot potato — you like that? This is according to “Fast Company,”A girl potato can wear pants, while a boy potato may wear earrings.  


After much controversy, Hasbro has claimed the title of Mr. Potato Head character isn’t changing at all, but going forward, the new brand name will simply be Potato Head, which oddly is a common sex act in Dublin. California, Dublin, California.  


MURDOCH: I’m out.  


GUTFELD: Let’s check out the Potato Gun National Championship shall we?  




GUTFELD – Oh, there you are. Kat, Coca-Cola says it’s not mandatory, but if you probably didn’t go there, you would have been — it would have gotten out that you didn’t take the training and you’re white.  


TIMPF – I am white.  


GUTFELD: You’ve gone any whiter.  


TIMPF: Yes, I’m, yes, I’m very pasty white. Yes. It’s just weird because like, how can I be less white? I know that I would like to be less arrogant. But as someone who’s had years of professional help, because of how much she hates herself, I don’t really think that I need that.  


But also like, isn’t that cultural appropriation? Haven’t they been like taking things from other cultures is cultural appropriation?  


GUTFELD: Right.  


TIMPF: So I thought you don’t want me to be less white. You want me whiter than I am.  


GUTFELD: That’s an amazing point. It’s something I hadn’t considered. I never — like if you actually reject cultural appropriation, you have to veer towards white supremacy.  


TIMPF – This is how people become radicalized by stuff like this. It is off — I mean, come on? Reduce your whiteness. How?  


GUTFELD: Yes, that’s —  


TIMPF: I can’t — I can’t, I burn.  


GUTFELD: I’m a savage. Joe, you’re probably the second. No, you’re your second most white. I’m sure no one has ever said it to you.  


MACHI: I am so white, I always mark other on every job application I’ve ever filled out.  


It’s interesting to me, I think, you could consider it arrogant to sell sugar water to a country with an exploding diabetes population. But the mistake they made here is when you do stuff like this, you’re supposed to call it the opposite of what it is.  


So if it’s diversity, what that really means is orthodoxy and conformity. So they should have said, white people are cruel training, that way, I’d be like, uh-oh, they’re coming from white people. We’re in trouble.  


GUTFELD: Dana, Coke denies it, but —  


PERINO: Yes, they’re like, oh, no, that was the New Coke.  


GUTFELD – Yes, that was.  


PERINO: This was a brand new slide deck.  


MURDOCH: You’re on fire. You are on fire. That’s why they put you on the lead chair. Sorry, Greg. Sorry Greg.  


GUTFELD: Yes, we’re going to be breaking the news at the end of the show. It’s now “The Dana Perino Show” and I’ll be hosting. I’ll be hosting.  


PERINO: Bill Hemmer.  


GUTFELD: I’ll be hosting with Bill Hemmer. They’ll be thrilled.  


PERINO: You’re going to love the mornings.  


GUTFELD: Yes, yes. That would be our tag. You’re going to love the mornings, America. And then, I’ll just be sitting there crying, crying.  


TIMPF: I’d watch that.  


GUTFELD (Yes, you would). I will not do a morning program. Let’s just agree to that.  


PERINO: No, you’d have to tape it like the night before.  




PERINO: Then, we hope that no news broke.  


GUTFELD: Yes. That’s what I do all day is I pray that there’s no news breaking because I don’t want to do an hour on breaking news. Have you noticed?  


PERINO – I believe I heard about it.  


GUTFELD: Tyrus, what’s your advice?  


MURDOCH: Oh, well, it’s kind of funny we’ve gotten to the point where a bunch of white people are asking the black guy, how do we be less white?  


This is the most. [bleep] stupid thing I’ve ever seen in my life and I’ll tell you why. You’re telling someone to be less white, which is the most ignorant thing I’ve ever heard in my life.  


You can tell them that they should be more respectful. You can encourage them to be more sensitive to others and to learn from their mistakes.  


If you tell someone to become less white. It’s like saying there’s something wrong with you to begin with. If you said to me, hey, Tyrus, you’re doing a great job on the show, but I need you to pull back the blackness just a scoach.  


Again, I would have thrown that damn chair at you.  


GUTFELD : Yes.  


MURDOCH: But because we live in this — if I was white, I would be furious by that because the color of my skin has nothing to do with the content of my character.  


They could have come out and I would have been all bored like, hey, don’t be a [bleep]. Don’t be a jerk. Don’t be rude to people. Respect differences. If you don’t know about somebody, ask. Be nice. The same thing.  




MURDOCH: Less than white. Literally, Kat can’t.  


TIMPF: I can’t.  


GUTFELD – You should change your name so it is Less White.  


TIMPF: Yes.  


MURDOCH: Leslie.  




MURDOCH: Leslie Whiter.  




MURDOCH: Roaming reporter Leslie Whiter.  


PERINO – I think a new personality has been created.  


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GUTFELD – Yes, Less White  


TIMPF: They spent years telling us if you’re white you stay in your lane. You’re a white person. No, you can’t wear that hat with the dreadlocks. And now they are —  


MURDOCH: Poor Kat, every podcast I say “Nuff Said.” And she is like —  


TIMPF: I can’t say “Nuff Said.”  


MURDOCH: I’ll be like, go on say it. She is like, no, no, I can’t say it.  


TIMPF: I can’t say that. Because I’m very white.  


MURDOCH: Chalky in reality.  


TIMPF: Enough for now.  


GUTFELD: Chalky.  


MURDOCH: Chalky.  


TIMPF: Enough for now.  


MURDOCH : That would be the nomenclature.  


TIMPF: Enjoy a wonderful afternoon.  


MURDOCH: Chalky. She is more pasty and chalky.  


GUTFELD: All right —  


MURDOCH: Dana Perino is a god and there is — Greg tans, so we get a real fix on him.  


GUTFELD is the definition of makeup.  




GUTFELD is the definition of makeup.  


TIMPF: I put makeup — I put so much orange makeup on and just my pastiness this just comes through.  


GUTFELD: It does. It does.  


MURDOCH: Chalkiness. Pastiness.  






GUTFELD: Do folks in glasses get COVID free passes? Maybe. Because a new study in India has found that people wearing glasses are three times less likely (or more) to catch COVID-19.  


According to the report, most people touch their eyes an average of three times per hour, but bespectacled ones — is that how you say it — might touch them a lot less, making it more difficult for the virusTo infect their bodies.  


We also know that coronavirus can spread through droplets in the atmosphere. I wonder if glasses offer any protection against this. Kat was sent out on the streets to find out.  


TIMPF: Thanks, Greg. I’m here in New York City where I’m going to talk to people with glasses about their experiences with COVID-19.  


UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Oh, God. I’m sorry lady.  


TIMPF: Eww. Oh, man, get real. Oh, that’s gross.  


TEXT – Kat Timpf, 1988-2021.  




TIMPF : Yes, it makes a lot more sense that I died Tuesday.  


GUTFELD: What’s amazing, Dana, there is so much good news coming out of this. I mean, you’ve got — we have this — the vaccine news. It’s insane. The rapid testing, we’ve kind of overlooked, but I now test — I test every week and it’s just a good thing to do. You can see a decrease in hospitalizations.  


I believe this thing is over and there are reasons to be optimistic.  


PERINO: I think it’s harder to spread it, right. The result? virusIt’s like, dang! There is no other place to go.  




PERINO: They’re trying to get in through your eyeballs. I was just curious. I think it may be true about the eye thing. Who sponsored that study? Right? Was it —  


Warby Parker  


PERINO: Was it an optometrist? Yes Warby Parker. Now all of a sudden — of India — and now all of a sudden someone’s going to be making a lot of money with the glasses.  


GUTFELD – Yes, Joe, the study found that goggles are better than glasses.  


MACHI: Yes, that’s why I was surprised that they didn’t say that you should wear goggles, what were they thinking? People were willing to give up their constitutional rights, but they’re not going to go big on the word goggles. That’s absurd, just — you can’t —  


GUTFELD: But don’t wear the shield.  


MACHI: You can’t go outside. That’s fair. But no goggles. Bravo to you guys for displaying the year Kat was born. This is a great step towards equality.  


TIMPF: Yes, I am 32.  


GUTFELD: That’s right. We definitely — I checked Wikipedia, so I think it is right. I don’t know. Tyrus?  


TIMPF: You don’t know how old I am? We’ve been working together for like seven years.  


GUTFELD: Who are YOU again?  




GUTFELD – I think of you as a white girl.  


TIMPF: Ah, yes.  


GUTFELD: The less-white girl.  


MURDOCH: I’m not touching that one. I think Dana made a great point because I think they’re now starting to have fun with us a little bit. So we’re going to wear two masksThen, you will need to wear swimming goggles. Feather hats absorb molecules in the air.  


PERINO – Keep spinning that money.  


MURDOCH: So then, you know, you’re going to wear a hat with a giant feather. The higher the feather is, the safer you will be able to go outside. Swimmies are also necessary.  




MURDOCH: Because plastic acts as a buffer to keep people away from you. I was fine with the two masksI think so. But the glasses now, I think is just — stop it.  


TIMPF – I love glasses.  


MURDOCH: Yes. You love it so much you wore them when you didn’t need them.  


TIMPF – I made a whole career out of these glasses.  


MURDOCH: You wore them for so long when you didn’t need them that now, you need them.  


TIMPF: Yes, well look —  


GUTFELD: That’s the irony, now she has to wear them.  


TIMPF: I am a little nearsighted in my right eye, so now, I have to — seven years wearing glasses for sport, I got some real glasses. I was excited because glasses make me look smarter and more attractive. No COVID, or any COVID, I look at least a thousand times more attractive wearing glasses, according to my personal research.  


GUTFELD: Wow. Is that a study also from India?  


TIMPF – That study is yes.  


MURDOCH : I am just curious. MURDOCH : I am just curious. Is it —  


PERINO: I think — but just watch people like in an airport or something like people are always doing that.  


MURDOCH – Touching their eyes?  


TIMPF: I’ll put some fake eyelashes on you and you’ll understand.  


GUTFELD: I’m tired of all this talk. We need to take a break. After this, more show.  




ANNOUNCER – Final thoughts. It’s the last thought. That’s why it’s called the final thoughts. Okay.  


GUTFELD: Dana, we know why you’re here. You only did the show. You told me that you only want to promote your book.  


PERINO: Yes, that’s exactly right. I would not want to be here. This show is incredible. I think you guys have a great show. And I’m excited for what’s coming in the future for you.  


This book is coming out. “Everything Will Be Okay: Life Lessons for Young Women from a Former Young Woman”It will be available for pre-order starting March 9th. Pre-order it now It will be here soon.  


GUTFELD – I read it. It’s a great book and you should catch the podcast in which I interview Dana over the book. It’s more about me than her.  


PERINO – Yes, we talked a lot. It was great.  


GUTFELD: I’m a sad person. Joe, can you plug anything?  


MACHI: I’ll be at Bananas in Hasbrouck Heights at the end of March, so check that out New York City area.  


GUTFELD: Banana. All right. Kat, you have nothing. Tyrus, all you want is to lie low.  


MURDOCH : I was actually going to lay low.  


TIMPF: I have nothing.  


MURDOCH “Guys it’s not going to be okay: Everything you need to know of what not to do as a young man,”Soon to be released Soon.  


TIMPF: I wouldn’t say I have nothing, I have a very fulfilling life full of joy.  


GUTFELD: But if you don’t have anything to plug, apparently that’s not true. Visit me at Locals.  


TIMPF: I also have locals.  


GUTFELD – Yes, but you forgot it to plug.  


GUTFELD: Oh, geez. It’s great. It’s great at locals.  


Thanks to Joe Machi and Kat Timpf, as well as Tyrus.  


Greg Gutfeld is my name and I love America.  


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